Try Harder!

Last night I had a meltdown.
I’m sitting here today feeling pretty flat, a bit weepy, and utterly antisocial.
In my head I can hear my mum’s words, “You should have caught it sooner. You need to work on your self-awareness and catch it before it gets that bad.”
In essence… try harder.

That was my message from my mum pretty much my whole life. Try harder. Work harder on yourself. Put more effort into healing and strengthening yourself.

Thing is-I’ve tried so hard I’ve put myself in the hospital.

Last week I got my formal ADHD diagnosis. I have both ADHD and ADD. Severe ADHD according to my scores.

When I think back to my childhood, there is a lot of trauma over being told that I should try harder.
I struggle with that now. So much shame. Because I feel like I should try harder. But when I do, it’s so horrible that I spiral into a state that’s almost unbearable. Suicidal ideology is common when I get like that.

Now I wonder, is there something that I simply haven’t developed as a skill yet that makes it so hard for me? I feel like I should be able to do this. Because I was taught I should. I was taught that my struggles were my choice. That I could push through it and overcome.
And yet… I can’t.
So, I feel weak.
When I make a choice not to push through, I feel like a failure. And selfish. My mum said, “try harder”. And I have. But it doesn’t work.
I struggle to keep up, to cope, to apply all my therapy and coping techniques, and I still fail. Even though I’ve tried. Even though I’ve tried so hard I wanted to die. I failed.
My mum takes very little responsibility for this. Not that I really blame her, but acknowledgement of the pain she caused would go a long way to helping me heal. I think.

I don’t know.

Getting my diagnosis has helped me feel validated and seen. But at the same time, I struggle SO much with self-validation and understanding of just how much my ADHD limits me. I’ve masked for so long, pushed through for so long. Shouldn’t I be able to make this work? Or is it truly my ADHD preventing me? Am I actually unable? Or am I just not strong enough?

I have contacted a therapist that specializes in Neuro-divergence and trauma and hope to make some progress. Maybe find some grace for myself. Even as I type that I think, what if I’m just copping out. Using it as an excuse.
I hate it. This war inside me. Why can’t I try harder?


This week… it’s a freaking snowball rolling downhill. BUT, not in a bad way! Just, information is coming at me so fast and getting bigger and bigger and I’m learning so much about myself, about my family.

My ADHD assessment is coming up in a few days. I’m excited. The possibility of medication to help me live my best life. Wow. But more than that, the validation that I’m not at fault for being this way.

Next bit now is that a couple of people have pointed out that I have Autistic traits too.
I never really considered this, even though my little guy is Autistic, but I also know a lot of the traits cross-over from ADHD and ASD.
However, I went only to a couple Autism pages and did their self tests. I rated high. Five different tests.
So, there’s another piece of the puzzle that may come into play. Very very interesting.

Sitting here, I’m wiggling back and forth…
I’ve been learning about how much I mask. It’s a lot. A LOT. It’s become second nature to me.
I’ve made a conscious decision to pay attention to the feeling of wanting to stim and letting it out.
It’s kinda scary, because I think people will likely view me differently. For now it’ll be limited to doing it where I feel comfortable.

A big light bulb just went on for me though, in addition to all these things I’ve been learning…
Look at what I’ve accomplished!
Look at how much work I’ve done to put into being a productive person, functioning in a way that can fit in. Look at how much I’ve done.
This is not so much about accomplishment as it is about recognizing the sheer amount of willpower and drive it’s taken me to be where I am.

Life has not been easy. Jobs have been a shit show. Relationships were difficult. Money management is non-existent. Impulse control, what’s that?
But… I’m here. I’ve built this machine, like Iron Man, around myself to function in a dangerous world that doesn’t accommodate me -the person inside. I MADE that. To protect myself. To facilitate blending. To become what everyone expected of me.
On top of being who I am, what I am, I did all that. With all of the pain and frustration I experienced, I STILL did all that.
I loved, I worked, I played, I had sex, I got married, I travelled the world, I made so many things of beauty. All of that, with my Iron Man suit on.
I’m a fucking rock star.

Our son is now displaying ADHD

I’m a mess of tears right now.
So much is hitting all at once.
My autistic son is now showing all the signs of ADHD as well.
It’s hard to hear this because he already has the challenges of Autism. It’s like knowing your child has major allergies, then finding out they’re also diabetic. Like, what next?
This doesn’t change him. He’s still my ray of sunshine. And more than that, I think if we get him a diagnosis he’ll have a much better chance to thrive.

It’s triggering though. My own experiences with (currently undiagnosed) ADHD are so difficult. I don’t want him to feel them also. Thank goodness for meds.

In addition to that, I’m suffering from “Top drop” from the party I went to on Saturday that was an intense rush. I was able to be kinky for the first time in a while and got ‘very’ high on happy hormones. I knew the drop was coming, just didn’t know when.

Also, last night we had my MIL’s birthday, 87? no idea. She’s dying of Alzheimers and is going downhill very fast. Almost incoherent, and quite hostile towards her husband. It’s hard to see. She’s skin and bones and doesn’t remember my husband’s name. 😦

I’m surrounded by emotions right now. Like being in a storm at sea. So many feelings right now. Reaching for my own validation for the trauma I experienced as a child, seeing my own child presenting the same symptoms, seeing my MIL decaying before my eyes.

This moment, well, for the last half hour I’ve been playing “Deal with God” from Kate Bush. I’m a Stranger Things fan and this music is helping me feel everything, helping the tears flow. In a way, I want to succumb to the emotional sea and just drown in it. Feel it fill my lungs and take away my consciousness.
Soothing, peaceful grey.

Things are unfolding

I have been learning so much lately about ADHD. Things are falling into place exponentially for me. With that, my understanding of myself, how I function, why my past was so difficult and coming to terms with my needs are all cascading into a glorious waterfall.

It has also helped me to come to more forgiveness towards my mother. A lot of my cPTSD relates to how she and my father treated me as a child and it’s mostly interconnected to ADHD.

I have sought out a professional diagnosis. I am 90% sure I have it, but the validation of having a diagnosis is something I crave immensely.

Online I have found the account of a man named Connor DeWolfe that does little sketches about ADHD. It’s like he’s inside my head. Things I never knew were linked to ADHD are suddenly making sense. So many of my experiences validated and justified.

As a child, and even into adulthood, I was led to believe it was a matter of willpower to overcome my issues. Sensory issues, stimming, “laziness”, impulsivity, difficulty with initiating or completing tasks. I was told I needed to try harder, and punished when I exhibited my struggles. My big emotions, especially anger were never allowed. I was put into my room and ignored. I was told that when I reacted strongly to things that it wasn’t really like that, I was being too sensitive, overreacting, being dramatic.
I learned to ignore my body, and then, I was punished because I’d get to the point where I’d do things that weren’t appropriate because I was too hungry, too tired etc.
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Looking back knowing (or believing) that it’s ADHD so much makes sense. And the levels… the intricacies of my struggles are coming into focus. So much of what I thought was me being a jerk, me being lazy or making stupid choices-I couldn’t help it.
It wasn’t my fault.

Connor’s sketches have been instrumental in this process. As has Pinterest of all things. Little nuggets of wisdom and validation in my feed that help me see the many layers I’ve been dealing with.

Just recently, I decided to let go of masking. Now, I’m nearly 50 years old, so this isn’t easy. It’s nearly second nature to me. However, in the few times I’ve let go of it and acknowledged my difficulties, it’s been so freeing.
Instead of fumbling through a conversation, unable to focus and trying to hang onto their words, I told them: “I’m sorry, I can’t focus right now. Maybe we can talk about this later when it’s less busy.”
At that time, I was in a small restaurant sitting next to two other people. Across the small room were two other people, and around the corner were four others. I could hear them all. But not clearly enough to understand any of them. I started to panic a bit, trying so hard to sort it all out. It wasn’t that it was loud, it was normal volume. But my brain was overwhelmed with all the people talking, the cooks upstairs making food, the cars on the street. I heard it all and couldn’t focus. I started to gap out, barely even seeing that my friend was talking to me, just shutting off. I had to snap myself out of it to let her know that I couldn’t focus. It felt like snapping out of sleep rapidly. It didn’t feel good. Coming back into all that stimulus from a quiet place. BUT-I told her how I was feeling, and she, also a ND person, understood with a smile and told me it was totally cool.

So many things I’m learning.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria. BIG TIME. I post on social media and then project my insecurities out there thinking about what people might read into my post. And I delete it. Could be something personal, could be something as simple as how much I am enjoying the sunshine. I worry that I’ll be ignored mostly. Or that people think badly of me.
Then there’s executive dysfunction. How many times a day do I experience this. From getting myself something to eat/drink, to working on a project I’m excited about, to doing a simple chore. I will sometimes spend hours just looking at my phone, trying to psych myself up to do something I want to do. I’ve come to realize that a nap usually helps when I feel like that. But not always. I need to break things down. Start slow, ease into stuff. If I look at the entire pile of laundry I balk. If I think, I’ll just fold the towels, then I am able to get started. And then the rest comes easier.

Then, there’s also object permanence. This is a weird one. I can name where some very specific things are in my home, but some things, once I put them away they’re gone. Just gone. My hubby has taken to reminding me that the fruit I asked him to buy by putting one fruit on the top shelf of the fridge. A visual reminder. Otherwise, I’ll never remember it’s there.

And dopamine seeking. Oh my. So much this. I feel like E.T. seeking M&M’s. Sniffing and reaching out for little hits of dopamine. Hyperfixating on a new thing to get that rush. Everything from researching an actor I recognize from a new show I’m watching (and ignoring the show), to trying a new hobby, to playing new music over and over again until I literally cannot stand the songs anymore.

I’m so grateful for all this learning. Learning about ADHD has become a new hyperfixation for me, loaded with dopamine because it’s not only validating my experience, but also feeding my desire to focus on something new and learn more. Feed the beast. Always learning. Always seeking information nuggets. Dopamine rushes.

In November I’m hoping to go ahead with having myself assessed. When I did the formal online pre-test, it showed me to be very likely. But truly, it’s my experiences, the smaller things that keep adding up. I’m excited. And scared. Because… what if it isn’t ADHD and I am truly just messed up? Where does my validation go then?
But if I am, maybe then I can look into medication. And with medication, maybe a better quality of life. That’s worth it. That chance to enjoy my life more than I do right now. Which is not a heck of a lot. I struggle daily, despite about 15 years of taking therapy. There HAS to be more to this road to help me enjoy my life. I WANT to enjoy my life.

At the moment, I am in the midst of PMS, and yet this cascade of learning and the promise of validation and better quality of life have me feeling better than I have for a long time. The last two weeks have been good. Not amazing, but good. And that’s better than it’s been for the last year.

I’m hanging onto the hope that my diagnosis will come through and that I can proceed knowing why I am the way I am.

A fine line

With the arrival of this new man in my life I am finding that I’m walking a fine line.
Both my husband and my sub are insecure to a degree. My sub far more so than my husband.

My sub has become quite possessive and jealous of me. I understand this, based on where he comes from. I will not permit him to use that to control me, but I want to make him feel more secure about my role in his life. I love him deeply.

And then there is my husband. He and I have been together for a long time, to hell and back. He is my soul mate and my life partner. I love him deeply.

I don’t want either of them to feel like they are being threatened by the other. They offer very different things to me, and I love them both. And yet I am having to walk this line about how to speak to them both about the other.
My husband knows that my sub has engaged my brain in a way that my other lovers haven’t. And so he feels threatened. The other lovers I’ve had were pretty much just for sex. But my sub is more than that. It goes deeper.

Neither of them have anything to worry about on my end. They will not threaten each other’s place in my heart. Though I give priority to my husband of course, I would protect him first. I don’t want to lose him, not ever.

So I keep a lot to myself. My thoughts, my feelings, my desires. I have never had two men in my life before that I love at the same time. It’s an unusual place to be-for me. I know Polyamorous people do it all the time, and respect that they have it figured out.

For now, I walk softly, reassuring both my husband and my sub that they are special and try my best to respect their own needs and part in my life. I hope that whatever presents, no one is hurt. I love them both so much. With them, I have everything I could have ever wanted in life. I hope I’m giving enough in return.

Some big ah ha moments

Lots going on in my life right now.

NRE with the man that I am considering as my sub. It’s gone deeper than I could have ever hoped. I love him immensely. And I’m excited for what might come.

My MIL is dying, we’re not sure she’ll last till the end of the year. Her Alzheimers has progressed rapidly. Her body is shutting down, she’s becoming very primitive in her needs and emotions. Her home is dark and dirty, she won’t let my FIL go out except to buy groceries. I hope that her passing is smooth and doesn’t take too long. It must be such a horrible place to exist for her right now.

My first big ah ha moment was about self worth. It’s something I’ve struggled with for my whole life. And while I am fairly confident, I still struggle deep down with feel like I have worth at all. Especially when I am not feeling well, which is often these days.
But I am working with my sub to build his confidence, and in so doing, revealed something that when turned around, helps me.
My sub was raped multiple times as a boy. He’s been abused and treated like shit for his whole life. And yet-he has incredible depth and capacity to love. And give. Despite everything he’s been through, he makes music, has a sense of humour, is loving, forgiving, willing to learn, open minded. He is worth a great deal. Even though he doesn’t see it. I see it. Whatever has happened to him, he still shines through it all.
And that has helped me to understand what value others see in me, even when I don’t. Thus, I must conclude that I have value as well, despite all of my struggles and shortcomings. What a huge revelation to me.

The other ah ha moment was when I thought about how my husband has had to take over so much in our lives right now. Something clicked inside me. I have always felt so guilty, thinking I should do more, I ‘could’ do more. And the truth is, I could. But if I do, it will cost me my mental health. I am not lazy, despite my desire to feel comfortable. What I realized is that he is taking on stress that he’s never had to before, in order to spare my mental health. That isn’t because I am lazy, it’s because he cares enough about my mental health to put in extra effort to protect it. And in that way, I suddenly was able to let go of a lot of guilt. It’s not done because of resentment, but because of love. He has the energy and ability. I don’t. And when I do, things are different. I do more, am more involved with our family, more energetic.

I’m glad to make these big leaps. They will help me a great deal as I work through the next few months. I’m excited and empowered. And ‘less’ guilty. Onward and upward!

My friend was raped

I’m not even sure where to begin this post. My heart is broken, and my mind is a mess.

On Saturday my dear friend was raped. And they blame themselves. Because even though they said no, several times, they froze when the person went to take advantage.
I’ve been talking with my friend, went to see them today as soon as I found out. They’re a mess of course. Going between feeling numb, ashamed, guilty and crying. On the beach we sat for a bit and I asked what I could do, because police should be involved. They said no, because no one would believe them. Because they hadn’t stopped the person from raping them.

Being that we’re both involved in the local kink community, I asked for the name of the person that assaulted my friend so that I could advise our community leaders. There should always be a no tolerance policy for sexual offenders.

But it’s complicated.
My friend has a pre-existing condition of PTSD. Thus-the freezing. From being raped many times in the past.
The rapist was a trans-woman. They’d had sex the night before, and cuddled. And so my friend feels that their multiple no’s the following day didn’t count. Even though my friend said they didn’t want to have sex.
And then, this woman that assaulted him -another woman stepped in and defended the actions of the first woman, saying it wasn’t a big deal and that my friend was fucked up sexually. That they should make a big deal of it.
And here’s the kicker: my friend is a man.

He knows he can’t talk to anyone. No one will believe him. No one will understand. No one will help or pursue the woman that did this to him.
My friend told me that he was shaking and crying when it was done. But the woman kept going ahead anyway. And then, he said he shut down and figured rather than fighting her off and risking getting charged for assault, he’d just let the rape happen and deal with that.

How sick and fucked up is that.
I held him and he was crying silently in my arms. He’s been sick all day, unable to eat. He gouged his arm with his fingernails after it happened.
And yet, he has to bear the weight of this.

For all we know, the woman has done such things before, or will again.
And if it was against a woman, there would be outrage.
But my friend has to bear it alone. He has no words that will be heard.
Even reaching out to the community leaders, I suspect they won’t take it seriously, because he’s a man. And because she’s a trans-woman. And because I can’t give the details of his identity. He’s ashamed.

How is it that people can do this. How is it acceptable to our society that it happen to my friend. He’s bigger and stronger so should have stopped her. He’s a man so he should suck it up and stop making a big deal of it. Meanwhile, he was frozen in PTSD and raped.

I can’t really focus tonight. I’m beside myself.

Fucking OUCH

I met a guy about three weeks ago. He wanted to be my submissive and we chatted extensively online before meeting. We connected on many levels, BUT, he was not my physical type.
When we met for the first time it was awkward as fuck. And I knew that I couldn’t be with him. There was no sexual chemistry at all, despite our steamy connection online.

After a time, we spoke again, and attempted to figure out whether we could be in a Domme/sub dynamic without the physical. After a few days, we met for a movie and he was all over me physically. I didn’t like it. So, I told him it wasn’t going to work.
He came back and apologized and we tried to negotiate further to establish boundaries. We connected strongly online again.

Then… today. Ugh.
I picked him up to take him for a walk, something we had planned to do as friends, no physical contact. He wants to lose a lot of weight, so we thought we could walk and hike together. It got steamy.
Tonight, more steam. So much so that my panties were soak and I was crazy to orgasm.
Online, I led him through a number of tasks, with him sending me audio as he completed them. Each one made me more aroused.

After two days of edging him, and having him use the paddle on himself, I let him cum. I told him, I need to cum now, because his sounds were so sexy.
His message to me? “Cum for —“, then immediately afterwards, “Update and —– and ——” Two other women he wanted to play with. I asked him to hold off telling me about his other romantic interests until after I’d had my orgasm, and did my thing. Sent him an audio file. That was about an hour after he’d had his orgasm.

His comment, “You have a set of pipes on you, I’m hard again but I need to save it for —-” And then, “Anyway, update on —– and —–”
I literally was still coming down from my orgasm when he wanted to tell me about the other girls.

I have had sex with men who disconnected after cumming, and just sort of waited for me to leave.
This felt worse. It felt as though I was a distraction from his pursuit of the other women. He’d had his orgasm, and mine was pretty insignificant.

Today after we’d met for our walk I wrote about how vulnerable I felt. How I had been caught up in my feelings for him and how scared I was with the new dynamic.

And then… tonight.

I mean, if you were fucking someone, then as soon as you’d cum and they had just cum and you sat on the bed and started to tell them about the other women they wanted to fuck, it would really suck.
It knocked the wind from my sails.
All of the concessions I’d made to try and make it work with this guy… all the feelings I let myself catch for him… and he dismisses the very vulnerable state I was in like it was nothing more than an m&m in the bowl.

It hurt. I feel so incredibly dismissed. And I’m not sure if I can move forward with him, knowing he’s capable of this kind of thing.
Just ouch.

A bit life changing

About a month and a half ago I took a rather big leap for myself and purchased some CBD/THC gummies.
I was nervous because any time I’ve tried CBD or pot before, I’ve either thrown up, or been fucked up to the point of hating the experience.

So I tried these. 5mg THC to 25mg CBD. First time I took one, it took my anxiety down from and 8 to a 2. Second time I tried one a few days later, I was very happily high. We’re talking squinty eyed, stupid grin, giggling at everything high. It was great. I slept well that night and thought, okay, maybe I should try again, but at a lower dosage so I don’t get high.
Half a gummy did nothing.
Tried a full one another day when I was anxious and didn’t get high but anxiety went down again from an 8 to a 2.

All this happened while I was dealing with a tooth extraction. I have to be sedated for anything to do with dental work because I have serious trauma responses to things covering my face (smothered as a child).
It has truly TRULY been life changing. Not as in, a move or a new partner. But knowing I can fall back on it and not have to struggle through all my self-care tricks when I’m already stressed, amazing. Not having to feel like shit during PMS all the time? Amazing.

Now I don’t have to fight all the time. And, I don’t put something that can really harm me long term or leave me dependent into my body. I don’t take one every day, so far only when anxiety is rough which is more often during PMS. My life has improved. My fight is not as great. I have the munchies. 😉

Today I told my mum I love her

We’ve been estranged for 4-5 years. Got to a point in our relationship where I was so anxious being around her that I pulled the plug. Two years of no contact at all. Over time I started allowing my kids to see her again, and then me, in passing.

Today she was bringing home my little boy (6 years, total gigglepuss, Autistic) and the two of them were wrestling on the driveway. I saw them both as their purest selves, full of love and joy. And I felt a moment of love for her.
So, I told her. She didn’t reply, but blew me a kiss.

Way back before we became estranged I told her that I wished she and I could tell each other that we love each other more often. I almost never heard it growing up. And I felt the lack of it. Between her constant judgement, punishment for my disorders, and manipulation, I felt pretty much like she hated me.

It’s not her fault to a point. She grew up with a narcissistic mother. A true narcissist. I thought for a while my mum was also, but then realized she was parroting her own mum. And now, my mum isn’t capable of unlearning her behaviours. She doesn’t see it. It’s always put on me for being the one at fault. My problem.

It made me feel sick to my stomach to say that to her. I wondered for a while if I should have kept my mouth shut.
But I think, even if she’s fucked up, and fucked me up, she still should hear that somewhere in my heart, I love her.

And I desperately wish she could learn to say it to me.